Blog: a003. MY RECOVERY story

Exactly a month ago, on this day, I woke up to what seemed like an ordinary day. To my surprise that was not what the universe intended on this specific day. At 7:00 in the morning I picked up my phone to check my texts and emails, a not-so-great habit that most of us have. As I stared at the screen all that my right eye could see was a kaleidoscope of colours that were moving from the phone across the room. I did find this very strange as it hasnever happened before. However, I had a busy day with manytherapy sessions scheduled for the day and a to do list as long as my arm, and therefore I discounted it as one of those strange things that probably happens when we have a sinus infection.However, my body was not having it. The next second I looked back at the phone and the words that appeared before me appeared like they were words I should be able to pronounce, however for the life of me I couldn't read or pronounce a single word. Suddenly, my vision in my right eye totally disappeared and what I could see on the screen was only what my left eye allowed for. Despite all this my mind kept thinking of the busy schedule I had for the day, and I talked myself into thinking this is just something strange that will pass. Even though momentarily my intuition said this doesn't seem right. What I then decided to do was to just clarify the matter once and for all so that I could get back to my very busy day. Did you notice how many times I said busy day (smiley face). I'm laughing out loud just as I'm typing when I think about how important it felt to be multitasking between therapy sessions with my clients,client’s insurance company paperwork and assessments, clinical notes, billing, logging in my professional development points with the college I am registered with as a psychotherapist, the list could go on ((Smiley face with a wink)). Coming back to the clarification part. I entered my home office space where I had filed a client’s insurance company document the evening prior to this day and I thought I bet I will be able to read the paper document as I knew I read it last night. Much to my surprise and quite frankly severe overwhelm at this point, I could not read a word on it. They all seemed liked letters that I know I have seen, but I did not know how to form a word leave alone a sentence. Overwhelm does not begin to describe what I felt in this moment as the realization hit that this cannot be normal. 

Luckily, I happened to send a text to my husband who was already at work by this time, whilst I was in my home office. The next second my husband called and said we are going to the emergency room right away, I'm on my way. My husband later showed me the texts that I had sent him, and they were illegible. None of the words made sense. One sentence read and I am typing it verbatim “hat Freud cat”. When typing the text, I am quite sure I thought I was formulating sentences in my mind and was texting them accurately. Turns out I wasn’t. This text was what got my husband worried. As for me I kept thinking this had to be a sinus infection and that I will probably just figure this out with my family physician and again my mind just wandered off to the very demanding day I had ahead. Little that I knew I would have a busy day, but just not the kind of one I had planned. 

When we entered the emergency room, I was sent for a CT scanthat is called a venogram, as I had also reported having adebilitating headache that lasted for days the week before. I remember calling it the death headache at the time. Ironically, I had also conveniently forgotten about the debilitating headacheas I kept thinking about my day and put down these strange symptoms to being signs of a sinus infection. I had also forgotten that I had a tingle in my facial nerves the night prior to this. I only remembered this when the doctor asked if I had experienced any strange symptoms other than what happened in the morning. Did you notice how many times I mentioned the word “Sinus infection”. Talk about some serious denial ((Blushing smiley face)).

When the doctor called us in to discuss the result, believe it or not I really thought he'd say you have a terrible sinus infection.Here’s a prescription for some antibiotics and you can be on your way. Instead, he looked me straight in the eye and said you have suffered a transient ischaemic attack in your brain, and you have a massive clot in your brain located across the parietal, the temporal, and the occipital lobe. What???? That was literally my first thought! We only have four lobes if you count the frontal lobe and three of these had a clot in the veins that was blocking blood supply. This is what finally led me to have a mini stroke this morning. Talk about a change of plans huh?

I was immediately prepped for a blood thinner infusion and a transfer request to the Health Sciences Centre (HSC) Winnipeg was made. When I inquired as to why the move to a different hospital, they said in the case something was to get worse symptom wise because they also detected a small bleed inside the brain, the HSC is a neuro facility, and they would be able to assist me if this situation takes a turn.

At this point, I was confused…. I was like, come again? What??? I was perfectly healthy with no comorbidities  that I was aware of that may have led to a bleed in my brain and a clot that spans three lobes out of four. 

Just as I began processing this information, the first responders arrived and whisked me ever so carefully into an ambulance as my husband followed in the car behind. This was my first time in an ambulance as a patient. I thought of the many people who must feel this level of vulnerability not knowing what is going on, will they make it, are their loved ones okay, will they survive this. This moment was truly humbling. I can safely say I did not remember my to do list any longer at this point. Point to note though whilst I was on the blood thinner infusion, I had regained all sight and could read again, thus the word “transient ischaemic attack” and the fact that it was transient. Therefore, during that time, I managed to inform all my clients for the day that this is the first time ever that I will be asking them to reschedule their appointments. They were all gracious as I have never missed an appointment.

I was admitted to the emergency ward upon arriving at the HSC, and then the high dependency unit that is meant for vulnerable patients who are in the acute phase of their illness. This was done in the case an event took place and they needed to rush me to surgery to remove the clot. I am grateful nothing like that took place. In the high dependency unit, a battery of specialists from neurologists, haematologists and internal medicine doctors and their residents performed various tests on me including more scans over the next four days. Talk about my to do list huh ((Wink, Wink)). Yup, a simple emergency room visit lasted in a four-day hospital stay. I was discharged on the fifth day with a no work order for 8 weeks and a “you need to rest” order. Rest….me? Huh?

Time to count my blessings.

As I began reflecting on my experience over the month, I realised that:

-Had my husband not forced me to go to the emergency roomthat day, the chances that I may have suffered a more serious second stroke were high, and I may have ended up with a permanent disability after that. I am so thankful to the man I married 24 years ago. He saved my life that day.

-I was blessed to have had minimal repercussions. I have a droop on my right side as the clot is on the left. If we go back to biology 101 that we learn in high school the left brain controls the right side of the body and vice versa. With the help of aphysical therapist this should resolve in 6 months. Point to be noted this is only visible when taking photographs but can go unnoticed when I am having a conversation or filming an Instagram reel. I am thankful. This made me think about all those who do not have the fortune of saying this. 

-My cognition is intact and therefore as soon as my neurologist performs his 8 week check and scan, he will give me the go ahead to work with my therapy clients again. I realized how much I value the ability to be in service of those in need and I am grateful that I get to work as a psychotherapist.

-This past month I truly learned the art of pacing myself. I learned about the things that are under my control such as how I heal, how I can continue to maintain my cognitive ability (I now play competitive scrabble with an AI everyday and win almost every time). I also learned how to handle the moments when I feel low as those do exist and are part of the healing process. 

-This past month I also learned about what is not in my control. For example, when my body decides I need to take a pause. I need to listen to it! There are times when I need to do things slightly slower in pace as processing too much at once can get overwhelming and I need to follow through. Lastly, I learned my never ending to do lists need a break not only for these 8 weeks when I am away from work but even when I return! I always tell my clients you cannot pour from an empty cup. I need to take my own advice.

Currently my to do list is replaced with a gratitude list for every moment that I was able to experience this festive season. Be it the holiday cookies my husband and I baked with our 13-year-old, be it the movies we watched cuddling in front of a fireplacein our new home whilst admiring the hues of the beautiful Christmas tree lights, be it the beautiful heartfelt conversations my 13 year old and I have in the evenings about life in general,be it the fact that I get to hug my 18-year-old son today when he comes back home for the holidays from his university in BC. These simple joys have brought me an abundance of joy this past month. I am appreciative of how my list looks now. It has peace, family, laughter, hugs, festive cheer, and love as a priority on it. It will soon have my cherished clients on it too, but this time there will be balance between work and life as both are equally special to me.

A thought I would like to leave you with!

The next time your body tries to send you a signal that it needs your attention, please don’t be like me and ignore that sign. Our bodies have a way of talking to us, but we need to be calm enough to listen.

To do lists are important, they most definitely are. But don’t forget what’s most important to you as during hardships we all need a soft place to fall.

It’s important to be ambitious and hardworking with your career. It absolutely is. However, its also important to have a work/life balance. I forgot what I preach and as a note to my therapy clients: Your therapist didn’t follow her own advice. However, has begun to do so and will continue to inspire you to live your best life with balance.

So, here’s to a well-balanced life, listening to our body when it’s signaling that something is wrong, striving for a better quality of life as we take care of ourselves and to being resilient in the face of adversity! 

Thank you for reading my story. If it were to help just one person…mission accomplished!

Sincerely,

Zay.

Acknowledgements and Recommendations

Resources that may be helpful to you in the case that you or your loved one has experienced a stroke: www.heartandstroke.ca

If you or a loved one are experiencing stroke symptoms, please call 911 and tell them it’s a medical emergency or please visit your emergency department and inform them at the point of intake that this feels like a stroke. 

I would like to sincerely thank all the medical staff at the Grace Hospital, Health Science Centre, and the Ambulance Service in Winnipeg, Canada. The care you offered, your medical expertise and the compassion you showed was sincerely appreciated by me and my family.

Lastly, a genuine and heartfelt THANK YOU goes to my rock and soft place to fall: my husband Jaff. I love you more than I can express. I am living my best life today because of you and I am so thankful to call you mine.

Zainab (Zay) Khimji is a licensed Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) with The College of Registered Psychotherapists, Ontario (CRPO). She is also a Canadian Certified Counsellor registered with the Canadian Counsellors and Psychotherapist Association (CCPA). She specializes in helping clients diagnosed with ADHD, Borderline personality disorder, early childhood attachment trauma, complex post traumatic disorder and anxiety disorders. She is an entrepreneur and owns her own private psychotherapy business named “The Psychotherapy Spot”. She is also a content creator on Instagram and LinkedIn. Check her out on socials by visiting www.thepsychotherapyspot.ca 

The opinions and views expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect those of The Psychotherapy Spot and have no affiliations with any products or services mentioned in this article or linked to herein.

As a massive FRIENDS fan my heart has remained broken ever since I heard about the untimely departure of Mathew Perry. 

As a practicing Registered Psychotherapist and a Canadian Certified Counsellor, most of my clients deal with addictions. Though my niche of patients/ clients are primarily clients who deal with Borderline Personality Disorder, are on the Autism Spectrum, are diagnosed with ADHD ( Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), deal with early childhood attachment disorders or struggle with Complex post traumatic disorder, anxiety disorders and depression. I also assist clients with addictions that may have resulted from early childhood trauma with specific interest in early attachment issues. When I think of Mathew Perry (Chandler Bing as many of us will always remember him as) and read more about his story where he first felt the need to feel high at the age of 14, I can’t help but think of one of my favourite quotes that reads:

“The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.”- Gabor Maté

The source of pain is invariably found in a person's lived experience, beginning with childhood. Childhood trauma is the template for addiction—any addiction.

Therefore I ask with the sincerest of hearts, before sending out strange memes and GIF’s to me or each other take a moment to think about his life, his work, his attempt to make us laugh despite the pain and remember him for his resilience amidst adversity.

I also ask you to take a good hard look at those around you and yourself too. 

-Do you or your family members overeat because it numbs a sadness you/they didn’t know existed?

-Are you addicted to something that doesn’t quite look like a drug or substance but eventually has detrimental effects such as pornography or extra spending?

- Do you feel lonely, but overcome it by over over indulging, or engaging in instant gratification such as shopping, gambling etc.

Addictions can come disguised in many forms. Stop the stigma around thinking of addictions with reference to substances. I am here to confirm, It’s so much more than you think.

Take a good hard look!

Mathew Perry doesn’t have a chance to reflect on his life and make a change, but you do !

Reach out to anyone who’ll listen! You shouldn’t have to do this alone. 

Always remember you are not your trauma!

Sincerely,

Zay 🫶🏼

Zainab (Zay) Khimji is a licensed Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) with The College of Registered Psychotherapists, Ontario (CRPO). She is also a Canadian Certified Counsellor registered with the Canadian Counsellors and Psychotherapist Association (CCPA). She specializes in helping clients diagnosed with ADHD, Borderline personality disorder, early childhood attachment trauma, complex post traumatic disorder and anxiety disorders. She is an entrepreneur and owns her own private psychotherapy business named “The Psychotherapy Spot”. She is also a content creator on Instagram and LinkedIn. Check her out on socials by visiting www.thepsychotherapyspot.ca

The opinions and views expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect those of The Psychotherapy Spot and have no affiliations with any products or services mentioned in this article or linked to herein.

Propped up on 3 pillows, pretending to drink the tea my spouse had so lovingly made me, I am in contemplation of life. What we think it is, until it tells us what it’s going to be. 

A week and a half ago, I was running from pillar to post. I had back to back client appointments, endless zoom meetings, a full family calendar, a plane to catch as I helped settle our eldest son into his first year university dorm and a thousand little errands to run that make for the perfect North American life style.

I was on my A game and I loved it !

A week and a half later, am stranded in bed. I have all the covid-19 symptoms listed on all the sites that google pulled up for me, and then some ( or so it feels). 

Life has come to a standstill. What’s left is deep surrender to reality, knowing that this too shall pass.

You’ll ask me is it really that easy? The answer is a big, thick, in all caps, I feel like cussing but won’t, NO!

This realization came to me as I thought about one of the nightmares I had during my covid stint. I was stuck in what seemed like a market and it was loud, busy and smelled of illness. I looked for an escape door and couldn’t find one and then voila, I switched on my bedside light. Except I was standing near the bed. This was terrifying as I realized I may have been sleep walking whilst trying to escape. Later that day I realized I locked my room door which means when I was trying to escape I tried each exit door, except I was asleep. 

This scared me. But, as the day went by I got intrigued by the answer to what my nightmare/sleepwalking was trying to tell me. Let’s think about this together, shall we? I was in a crowded market ( too much happening that was unexpected?), I felt stuck ( goes with the territory of being sick, especially when you have to self isolate and life does not have a spring to it anymore), it was loud ( oh, did I mention, I have coughing fits when I try to speak? So I haven’t uttered a single word for the past 4 days now!, the feeling of my words being stifled comes to mind, when I think of it being loud. but it’s only loud in my mind). Let’s get to busy? ( kind of like my life was a week and a half ago. I thrive in the organized chaos of the day to day, and now all I have for company is my cough mints, a bunch of kleenex and pain killers that I feel don’t work for longer than two hours. Anyone with me on that one ? One of the nights I felt like drafting a letter to the over the counter painkiller company as to how inefficient this product is. All of a sudden through the defeat I felt, I  realized my throat ache wasn’t there anymore ! One letterhead saved!. The “smelled of illness” part seems pretty self explanatory when you have had enough night sweats to last you a life time within a span of a week. 

What’s the moral of the story?

What my nightmare was trying to say was, you have nothing in your control as of now, and you like to be in control. You have a calendar that has a mini calendar built in it. Through predictably you feel in control. The reason this illness upsets you so much is you don’t have any control and you hate that. You need to surrender to the process and trust in it. When you are better, work on relinquishing control. Once in a while notice how spontaneity feels. Call a friend of 20 years plus on a random day and have a cup of coffee together as you chat about your lives, the things you love and the things you don’t love so much. Permission granted to not love the virus so much.

Secondly, when you feel stuck know that there are ways to release yourself from the grips of whatever has held you hostage. Sometimes this can be an unwanted thought, a worry about the future, or a ruminating thought about something that happened in the past. The operative words are unwanted, worry and rumination. All these words relate to the past that you cannot change, the present that you are trying to control or the future that hasn’t happened yet. Live in this moment. For it has an abundance to offer if you are willing to accept it whole heartedly for what it is, and not what you want it to be.

Thirdly, it was loud. After having not used my voice due to laryngitis throat pain. It felt loud inside my head. As my spouse likes to call it “ when we have too many thoughts, “it’s like a loose ball of spaghetti that has turned to mush because it was extra cooked”. That’s what it felt like in my head. Penning down our thoughts so as to leave each strand of spaghetti loose, and not jumbled up is what helps us understand what’s going on in our mind. I tell this “spaghetti analogy” to most of my clients. With the story on how to un jumble the spaghetti strands. Through this I have managed to turn non journaling believers into believers who place stickers, pictures and doodle in their new journals. I realized I forgot to take my own advice.

Shall we dive into busy? Where do I start! Society informs us in many subtle ways, that being busy and a multitasker is how you make the most of life. What this week and a half has taught me is directing your attention to what deserves your focus whilst being busy, is more important than going nowhere slowly. Ironically one of my last Instagram posts is about slowing down. Go figure ! Again, not taking my own advice. I guess I have proved to all my clients who think their therapist has the perfect life, that no such thing exists. There are moments when things go your way and moments when you have to adapt to them not being what you wished for them to be. 

I am not even going to get into the smell part. There’s nothing a hot shower doesn’t solve.

Overall, I am thankful to have had a moment to reflect back on my experience. It has cleared my vision and help me click reset. A faster pace life is not always a happy one. A content life includes gratitude and less perfection, flexibility instead of rigidity of thoughts, stillness of the mind, balance and a hot shower !

If this article helps just one person stay grounded, mission accomplished. As for my clients, I will continue to practice what I preach. I missed a step there but I found my balance. 

With that, I bid you adieu.

Until next time. Always remember. You are not your trauma.

Sincerely,

Zay. 

Zainab (Zay) Khimji is a licensed Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) with the college of registered psychotherapists, Ontario (CRPO). She is also a Canadian Certified Counsellor registered with the Canadian Counsellors and Psychotherapist Association (CCPA). She specializes in helping clients diagnosed with ADHD, Borderline personality disorder, early childhood attachment trauma, complex post traumatic disorder and anxiety disorders. She is an entrepreneur and owns her own private psychotherapy business named “The Psychotherapy Spot”. She is also a content creator on Instagram and LinkedIn. Check her out on socials by visiting www.thepsychotherapyspot.ca

The opinions and views expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect those of The Psychotherapy Spot and have no affiliations with any products or services mentioned in this article or linked to herein.